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Meanderings of a Sociopath [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Blackangel

[ website | Angels and Demons the debate in Black and White ]
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Happy Home - [Jul. 6th, 2015|09:39 am]
Blackangel
[Current Location |California]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Dead Can Dance]

It was good to find you old friend, my Livejournal, my source of output that is hidden in this tiny crevice of internet space!

I think i will be using you again, for a lot of things!
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it is like an old blanket... [Jan. 20th, 2011|08:31 pm]
Blackangel
...livejournal is, warm and waiting - just when i need it the most - it comforts me.

It has been a rough year last year was, this year is starting out even roughter...i will prevail and i will write, i promise.

Until later - i love you all.

Dawne
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Writer's Block: Back off! [May. 18th, 2010|10:50 pm]
Blackangel
[Tags|]

Have you ever witnessed someone being bullied and just walked away? Have you ever gone out of your way to help someone who was being bullied? How do you think it impacted you and the person being bullied?

When i was in 10th grade there was a girl who use to sit at the lunch table across from me and the kids at my table would pick on her non-stop. Many times she would ignore, eat her lunch and then leave but other times she would get up crying and run to the bathroom.

I never hung with a particular group of people but knew people in almost every group in high school and this particular group was the soccer jocks and their girlfriends. One day, i snapped they where throwing cheese pops in her hair, calling her "buggy" and "ugly" (mind you she was awkward looking then with red hair and freckles - but i also had red hair and freckles, maybe that is why i related) and she was beginning to well up with tears in her eyes.

At this point I stood up, moved over to her and told them to say those things to me and leave her alone. The response was pretty harsh as they started teasing and bullying me when I jumped on the table, kicked their food and drink on them and started calling them "buggy" and "ugly" since they now had food on them.

At this point i looked at the girl and said, it doesn't matter what any thinks or says, everything you are is inside and I think you are pretty awesome.

15 years later I was traveling to work and this amazingly beautiful girl came up to me and asked if my name was mine to which i replied, yes. She continued to tell me her name and the incident that happened above and if it weren't for me she would never have made it a point to join a dance group, become a ballerina and model. She thanked me for standing up for her and also letting her know that not everyone is filled with hate. She also told me that she was contemplating suicide and that she wasn't sure how much more of their "taunting" she could have taken after that day.

This really got to me and I have never seen or heard from her again, aside from some modeling shots i see from time to time and I am glad i stood up (whether two wrongs make an even wrong, wrong) I am glad i became the person who stopped the incident and those groups of people who were bullying were turned in to the principal who actually expelled them at that time (only 3 of the 7 but still).

This made me realize that my life should be that of an impact to anyone I meet or know, whether positive or negative, I want everyone who meets me to have an opinion and a reason for that opinion and if I can impact or change one person - I have done more then most have done in a lifetime!
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and it all begins at 18... [Feb. 2nd, 2010|09:35 am]
Blackangel
So much happening in the last year that I feel like I have been neglecting everything and everyone.

As it stands now, I am 40 years old and the children are 18, 16 and 6. David and I have been married for 7 years but together officially for 12. Pixeled, the company is 13 years old and has been doing well.

Hmmm, let's start this with a bang!

Today, is the first day of the rest of your life - unless there are zombies outside your window and in that case you are fucked! :) I love that little saying. I posted in on my facebook some time ago and got quite a bit of laughter so I thought I would share it here.

Chelsea is 18 now. So many years of watching her grow, missing her, getting her back and continuing to watch her grow. She is beautiful, smart and very much me. She is sarcastic in nature and would rather read a book then deal with other people's drama. Her and her boyfriend Moikee have been dating officially now for a year and a half.

Chelsea spent almost 2 months in New Zealand with Moikee and his family right after graduation last year and then I had him out here for two weeks this past November for her birthday. I thought it was only fair we get to spend some time with him as Chelsea did with his family.

Moikee is a good kid, he is 18 so he is still deciding what he wants to be in life however, he is apprenticing with a butcher in New Zealand and aside from already loosing the tip of a finger (which we have now dubbed him ET) he makes good money and can provide for himself and his family.

So Chelsea, we all knew this was coming, hit me a few months ago with the fact that she wanted to move to New Zealand, become a citizen and go to school. I think it is important for her to experience the world, travel and above all else, enjoy being 18. Now, this doesn't mean I am not concerned that she may pull the preverbial, "Hey mom I am pregnant what do I do now" card (let's hope not). Yet I think in all of this if she thinks her happiness lies in New Zealand she should try it. David, not so happy with the whole thing.

I understand his view, Chelsea is almost like his own daughter - we raised her and watched her go on her first date, prom, graduate, etc..this is not okay by any father's means that his daughter is going to live 4200 miles away and with a man no less.

My experience has been, let her try it - she can say it did or didn't work out but she learned from the experience and she did try to make it work. Who know's maybe it will work, she has to try it. So on May 1, 2010 - I put my now grown daughter on a plane to move to New Zealand and will probably not see her for months.

In the meantime, I have Dillan who is 16 and a major point of contention in my relationship with my husband. We agree to disagree and that is not good BUT...Dillan has done many things that really just prove to me that most boys never get common sense at birth and if they are not taught it, it never comes.

Let's see the list of what Dillan Has Done successfully over the last 7 years:
1. Has successfully been suspended and/or expelled from every school from 6th grade to 9th grade.
2. Has spraypainted the wall on Valley Parkway (at 3pm in the afternoon mind you) got caught, was arressted, went to court, got a year on probation and over $600 in fines.
3. Was caught smoking and is now tested weekly for marijuana
4. Cannot tell a true fact without a lie - because he lies first then gets caught and then lies again - repeat/rinse for atleast 2 or 3 more times.
5. Stole David and my water jug of money - not leaving one penny and taking approximately $500+ in change....wtf?!
6. Is in a general education school for bad kids because the regular high school thinks he is a "gang" mentality child.

And those are just the things I can think of off the top of my head, give me another day and that list could quadruple!

What makes me sad is he is so talented. He is funny, smart and artistic. When he tries to make people like him he becomes a follower, he is meant to be a leader - as are all my children. He should command a room and command attention through positive behavior and not negative and these are things he is learning. He asked me for a tattoo the other day. He wants to put "peace will come" on his inner bicep. I am undecided if I should let him do this because I am not sure he wants it have or because he believe in it.

He is doing well in the new school. For the first time in 7 years his teachers tell me he is ahead, doing well and get this, a pleasure to have in class. Whew! about time.

Dillan is dating a girl Cierra and she is nice a pretty girl. He seems to really like her and this is the longest he has ever dated a girl before dumping her or making them dump him. He actually talks to her and she has been included in many family outings. I just need to get him to lay off the PDA.

Then there is Liam. Liam is funny, artistic, talented and a boy who is the most compassionate 6 year old I ever met. I am learning so much from him as he goes through live right now. Much of what I am learning is how to "BE" and be patient.

His brain is so scientific and mathmatical and the way he breaks down thought at 6 is well, scarey. Every question I ask him is answered with another question and he tends to think like David - questions are theories and only one step closer to an answer, maybe.

Liam is now half way through first grade. Aside from minor issues in behavior learned from his older brother, Liam is reading at the top of his class, math is something he excels at and his drawing is off the charts. Not to mention he loves to sing. There are times when I hear him singing Peter Murphy or This Mortal Coil and I have this little smile across my lips - then all of a sudden he starts singing Lady Gaga or Aqua and I bust out into laughter.

He goes to a private lutheran academy. Now mind you David and I are not religous but the education system is better there and they love him unconditionally. I think it is important that he understand God - the man, the myth, the legend. I think he will have good grounding and be well versed in his know of what he wants and doesn't want in religon when he is older. Who knows, maybe he will be a bible thumper and not speak to me when he is older because i find humor in getting receipts that say "666".
*shrug*

In any case, aside from not being completely potty trained he is off the charts smart, he is stubborn and he is all boy. Liam was scouted by the Rancho Santa Fe soccer league (at 6, i know - but he is that good) and made the travel team B for U8. He is a great Keeper, a one hour practice and only one ball got passed him. He is a natural.

All of the kids are amazing in their own ways, I love them and wouldn't trade them for anything - well atleast not yet :)

David and I are doing well, Pixeled is growing by leaps and bounds and everyday I love and hate my life because I cannot control everything..lol

What is tomorrow but another day.

d
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Hi livejournal, it is like an old blanket.. [Nov. 18th, 2009|09:09 am]
Blackangel
warm and comforting. I forgot you were here for a while, but don't worry I am back. Back and forth between you and my facebook.

Today is November 18th and today my daughter turned 18. I feel so lucky and proud to have a really great daughter who is funny, smart, pretty and above all else strong in her convictions as well as, determined.

For her birthday I got her what she wanted the most, I flew her boyfriend in from New Zealand for 14 days and they have been staying up at his house in Ramona with his family since he arrived.

Tonight we pack in the family at The Spaghetti Factory for some great, funny stories and work on embarrassing her in front of Moikee (mike). Hey is what we do here in the family, you know we love you when we bust your chops!

So much has happened in the 18 years of her life and I feel like she has come above everything as a stronger person. She has gone through her birth, moving every 3-4 years, a divorce of her parents, two marriages, a broken and abusive step mother(family), a horrendous 6 year custody battle and graduating high school. She is a best friend to me, a shopping buddy, the girl who makes me laugh, she is my first born and she is not broken.

I look at her and realize I just might be a pretty ok mom sometimes and that I whatever I have done wrong with her and to her, she turned out to be amazing. So maybe I did something right, too.

When I look back and remember the 72 hours of labor to bring her into the world, not seeing her for almost 5 years and now having her smile and laugh when she walks into the house, it makes me glad I held her and named her chelsea.

Like the town in England she is named after she is beautiful and tough but above all else now she has always been my daughter and now she is an adult.

I love her!
happy birthday girl!
Dawne
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time flies when you are getting OLD! [May. 21st, 2009|10:05 am]
Blackangel
1. Today liam turns 6, what happened just yesterday he was born and now he is 6?! Hey universe let me enjoy the mommy years ok!

2. Chelsea is officiall on 1/2 days and graduates from high school in 8 days...then she is going to New Zealand for a month. Hey universe, what the hell are you doing to me!!!??? Do you like to hear me say "ohhh, yeah my daughter is in college!"

3. Hey universe, EFF YOU!

:) Thanks for tuning in! By the way for many of you on here, I am keeping my LJ and facebook but deleting my myspace (it is a waste of MY space) so if you want to add me here:
facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=1236526015&ref=profile

and here are some pics to make you smile:
liam recent: http://www.flickr.com/photos/blackangeldemon/3551273635/in/photostream/
chelsea prom: http://www.flickr.com/photos/blackangeldemon/3551270785/
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it seems like only yesterday... [May. 2nd, 2009|08:43 am]
Blackangel
when you were so tiny and made the most hysterical squeeky noises from your crib. There was a time when i looked at you and thought, "I want to keep you safe from harm and keep you in my pocket!" and then here you are.

my daughter is 17, today is the senior prom. literally in 3 1/2 weeks she graduates from High School and will be heading off to New Zealand for 2 weeks (we may go too) and then she comes back to start college!

so much has gone right in life with her, she is beautiful, smart, sassy and funny! she made the honor roll and has rolled straight A's and B's all year. She loves music, she writes incredibly well and has an imagination that spans the galaxy.

i feel like the proudest mom right now and hope that in time she will be able to say i was/am her best friend.

i am so proud right now...*a small tear escapes*
d
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Writer's Block: Theme Song [Apr. 17th, 2009|03:43 pm]
Blackangel
[Tags|, ]

What song would you choose as the theme song for your life?
boogie street by leonard cohen :)
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in the land of milk and honey.... [Mar. 19th, 2009|09:08 am]
Blackangel
so much going on, so busy....in order of no specifics my life this last 30 days

1. got call from sisters, dad was in hospital. Father has necropathy and lost a part of his foot due to diabetes and sores that would not heal for over 3 years...lesson here: take care of your body or it will fail you. Dad is doing better, staying off both feet and being fed with anti-biotics at home with nurse.

2. sister called me last night, she is divorcing her husband. While i am glad she came to the decision to do this, it will be hard for her, she loves him. She finally realized one sided love hurts and it always ends. I tried to be the big sister voice of reason and not sway her in what I thought was best, although in the end i think my non censor self did just that.

3. Work, Work, Work...wow I have been busting ASS at work. ALl the projects I am working on are opening and closing in a proper PM style. I am proud of myself. My weakness in life has always been wanting to do everything, starting it and then letting it just fade like time in a windstorm.....What am i working on you ask, well glad you asked...I am working on:
-Search engine Releases and Keyword Updates for all things Google
-Launching my adultunderground.net Project for alternative lifestyles
-Launching the new and improved IlluminatedHosting.com website
-Finalizing the new pixeled.net website for April 1 release
-Trademarked all logos and text for companies
-SAS70 audit process....half way complete
-patenting Proteus accounting business software...GOODBYE Intuit! ;) unless you want to buy us of course :) then hello mommy!

4. Working on my anger management and trying to become a better mommy. I feel like I don't spend enough time on myself and my kids that I am trying to rectify that.

5. Falling in love with husband ALL over again, this happens daily but i thought I should put it in here!

6. Laying down the addiction to WoW and all things powerful and only play sporadically at best...

7. I WILL I WILL get in contact on all those projects i let fall through my finger tips to fix, finish and wax them up for release!!

I love you all, truly i do...We should really have coffee sometime :)

d
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Dawne's pet projects...... [Mar. 18th, 2009|08:33 am]
Blackangel
So many of you know that when i get passionate about something I tend to over think it until it becomes an obession and the obession becomes reality.

About 9 years ago I started an adult project called adultunderground.net that was going to cater to the hosting needs of those who live the "fetish" life. So many complaints I heard about these so called adult site hosting companies inadvertly shutting down or not taking calls just seemed bogus to me. Here they are charging an arm and a leg for budget bandwidth and then they just go away.

So anyway, I noticed this morning that Darenzia's site was down, this got me thinking about those who rely on thier sites to book shoots, sell goods and otherwise are thier product in a fetish lifestyle who cannot get a break with hosting.

Well, I am opening my baby to the public today and going life with www.adultunderground.net a site that will cater to the hosting (shared, dedicated and co-location) of those who live and need a web host who is reliable and dedicated to keeping thier site up, so they can ultimately make money!

Why am I posting this here, well I figured what is the best way to announce this then to my friends who some live this way or know or have friends who need my services and can vouch that I am a business of 13 years strong and growing still that may be able to let thier friends/collegues know.

If you know of anyone and they need my service in this area, send them my way and I will do even better. The first 10 will get the very special "RED" Iphone as a thank you after a full month of thier service!!!!

Why red, well check our my site, it is pretty awesome in the design and well, red is a pretty fetish color! So, let me know...if you, your friends or thier friends need help in this area, I will and can take care of them.

Afterall, I understand the life as a woman and as a business owner!

Thanks,
dawne
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